


Kidnapped!

by AnnaOnTheMoon



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Absurd, Farce, Gen, Humor, Parody, Silly, Tongue-in-cheek, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 11:36:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13076043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaOnTheMoon/pseuds/AnnaOnTheMoon
Summary: Jack Crusher kidnaps three-day-old Wesley Picard right from under his best friend's nose!





	Kidnapped!

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, this is tongue in cheek. I’ve received a request more than once to write some kind of story where Beverly & Picard are Wesley’s parents and Jack kidnaps the baby, and after humorous exchanges on Facebook and Twitter with some friends where I was trying to come up with a way to write the scenario, I knocked out a little 150ish word vignette in 5 minutes. This is the expansion on that, but still only written in about 15 minutes tops. Hope you find the premise as ridiculous as we did....

Jack Crusher paced around his quarters on board the Stargazer.

 _Damn that Picard. First, he gets the girl right out from under my nose, then he marries her, gets her preggers, and now we’ve docked at Starbase 32 just so he could see the little brat get born.  He doesn’t deserve Beverly.  She should be with me!  That baby should be mine!_  Jack stalked out of his quarters and down the gangway connecting the _Stargazer_ to Starbase 32 and headed for Beverly’s quarters.  He mashed the call button outside and when the door slid open he was greeted by his best friend, Jean-Luc Picard, cradling his newborn son to his chest.

“Hello, Jack. So good of you to drop by to meet the baby.  Beverly’s napping right now, but I’m sure she appreciates that you stopped by. Would you like to hold little Wesley? ” 

“Uh...Sure.”  Jean-Luc gently placed the three-day old in Jack’s arms, adjusting his hands to support Wesley’s head.  A lightbulb went off in Jack’s head on how he could get back at his supposed best friend and he clutched the baby to his chest, spun, and ran out of the Picard’s quarters. 

Jean-Luc tapped his comm badge.  “Security alert!  Lieutenant Commander Jack Crusher has just kidnapped my baby!”

 Jack ran down the corridors of the base and onto the _Stargazer_.  He placed the now screaming baby on his bed while he hurried to pack his bag.  He would be on the next transporter off that base with the baby.  He would go and hide and raise the baby as his own.  That would teach Jean-Luc a lesson. Beverly would be so mad at Jean-Luc for allowing him to take the baby that she would leave him, and then Jack could contact her and she would marry him and they would be happy. 

Jack peered at the screaming baby.  _Ugh. It even looks like Jean-Luc. What did he say the brat’s name was? Weston? No, we’ll change it._ “From now on, kid, your name is Jack Junior. What do you think of that?” The baby merely continued to cry and if it was possible, its face became redder.  Jack stared at the baby.  He had no idea what the baby needed.  Was it hungry ? What did three-day old babies drink?  Milk, right?  He went to the replicator.  “Milk?” 

“ _Please specify type and temperature.”_

Jack scowled at the machine.  How was he supposed to know?  Isn’t milk just milk?  The baby screamed on.  _How do I make it stop crying?  What do I do with it?_   Jack’s quarters were suddenly filled with a stench he could only describe as ‘barnyard’.   _What’s that smell?  Is that....is that the baby?_   Jack picked up the child and to his utter disgust he touched something warm and gooey coming out of the baby’s diaper.  _Green?  What the hell did Beverly feed this thing?  Poop is supposed to be brown!_ Jack gingerly removed the babies clothing and discovered the green goop was caked halfway up the baby’s back.  He carried the baby into his bathroom and turned on the sonic shower.  He gingerly held Wesley – or Jack Junior as he was now going to be known as – up to the sonic blast in an attempt to clean off the child. 

The sonic shower didn’t work and only seemed to cake the faeces on further.  Jack used a towel to wipe the baby clean and glanced dismally at the baby’s now dirty clothing.  He didn’t have a clean diaper and he didn’t even know how to put a diaper on a baby, but he asked the replicator for one anyway figuring he would just figure it out and when the replicator asked him for size he kicked the bottom of the cabinet.  _These things come in sizes?!_   He finally decided the only thing he could do was to roll the baby in a few towels like it was a sausage. A really noisy, ugly sausage. 

The baby was still crying and had started to smell again.  Jack didn’t know what to do and began to second guess his plan.  When the security team apprehended Jack by following the sound of the screaming child, he was more than happy to turn the noisy, smelly thing that looked like Jean-Luc back over to his parents.  Spending the rest of his life in a penal colony didn’t sound so bad....


End file.
